On The Green Sofa

Everything is embarrassing.

By

Ashley Gabriela

Things I overthink about:

  1. Other people’s thoughts
  2. Other people’s emotions
  3. Situational awkwardness
  4. My contribution to conversations and whether I’m being standoffish or social enough that people say “Yeah, she was cool,” when I’m brought up in conversation again.
  5. Overreacting
  6. Playing it cool
  7. If what I do in this moment will be a major regret of mine in the next month, year, lifetime.

I feel like life is flashing by in more than one way. I doom scroll. A lot. I make a list of things I need to get done every day, and as soon as I get home, I do nothing. I don’t call my mom enough. I don’t text my friends enough. Did I choose a good career? Why is it 80 degrees in November? Do I look 24? Do I act 24? Why don’t I feel 24?

And these are just some of the things that cross my mind just about every few hours.

Book of the Month:

Intermezzo by Sally Rooney

I’m not totally sure how I feel about this yet, though I’m a little too impressed that this is longer than Normal People. It’s unfortunately, unreadable for the first I-don’t-even-know-how-many pages, so I’m slowly losing hope that this is a book I will get through.

Salley Rooney and I are trying to mend our relationship. I recently re-read Normal People, and I just didn’t get them at all; Marianne and Connell. That is, until I realized that lack of communication and the assumption of other people’s thoughts and feelings can really, truly screw you. Watching their relationship from an outside perspective felt insane, because communication looks so obvious, but it’s really not. The way people bring things onto themselves is telling. But in a way, people tell on themselves constantly (if you’re really observing -A Scorpio). Someone who’s insecure will always show you their feelings of inadequecy without meaning to: bragging, seeking approval, following the scent of attention, making big whims out of small situations. Someone who is sure of who they are in your life and what is happening between you won’t feel the need to reassure you of every little thing. Someone who feels small will always do their best to make you feel smaller.

And then I watched the show, Normal People, for the first time. I usually prefer books to their onscreen adaptations, but this time, I felt more deeply for Connell and Marianne through my TV than I did through Rooney’s pages.

But I decided to give her a break and maybe try one of her longer books instead, because it’s not like she writes terribly, with her lack of quotation marks, and words between periods that barely count as sentences sometimes. That’s how her new title, Intermezzo, landed on my lap last week just after I turned 24.

I decided that now, in my old(er) age, I owed it to myself to be more honest, to be more communicative, before I watch things happen to me that fell out of my control when at one point, they were well within it. But overall, I told myself to give things, people, books, a second (or third) try.

In’s and Out’s of My Fall:

In’s:

  1. Pilates
  2. Frontal lobe development
  3. Espresso [martinis]
  4. Magnesium supplements for early sunsets and colder weather
  5. Falling back in love with reading; not using it as an escape, but as an addition to my hobbies, my joy.
  6. Honesty

Out’s:

  1. Doom scrolling
  2. Living inside my own head
  3. Making lists and not following through
  4. Reminding myself of things I cannot change
  5. Bored-eating.
  6. Honesty.

As I watched Marianne disappear into herself on my tv screen, I couldn’t help but want to cry, partially because of her, partially because of the pitch black sky outside my window at 5 PM, and thirdly, because I felt myself doing the same thing.

Winters are really hard for me. I don’t deal well with more nighttime than day, more cold than warmth, more leafless trees and grey skies. It’s like I feel the gloom in my soul.

Song of The Week:

But I Forced Myself To Do Things Anyway (Week of 11/9):

  1. I tried Pilates for the first time, and loved it so much I signed up for classes twice a week.
  2. Took down my Halloween decorations (until we meet again).
  3. Got a haircut on 11/11 (hoping it’s good luck). I haven’t gotten a haircut professionally in over 2 years. (Update: truly the worst haircut I’ve ever gotten. Haven’t posted a recent photo of myself in I don’t even know how long. But I haven’t cried so a win is a win.)
  4. Put up my Christmas decor!
  5. Went to IKEA. It’s impossible to be sad in IKEA.
  6. Mourned things I haven’t even lost yet.

When I first started writing this post, it began very morbid, and sad, and as I’m finishing writing it now, two weeks later, I feel happier. I feel hopeful. I feel energized. I guess that goes to show just how quickly we can pick ourselves back up, and how much time, even if it’s only two weeks, can change us.

No one can pick you up like you can; no one will. You are responsible for your own life, your own attitude, your own outcomes. Our moods and actions can fluctuate with the weather, but picking yourself up will always be the best, and most important, part of it all. Because you have to get back up; there’s truly no other choice.

Love,

Gabriela

Posted In ,

Leave a comment