On my mind, on my green sofa, in the stars.

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When my grandmother visits me now, some days she remembers who I am, and other days she asks for my name. Sometimes, we greet each other for the first time up to five times total. Often, our conversations take turns in directions only she knows it’s going. On my part, it’s mostly nodding, listening, and letting her speak to me. She is usually restless, not hungry. She gets to our home and in about 10 minutes, tells us she wants to leave because she has an errand to run. Soon, she will not remember me, and that is just something I will learn to live with.

That is what life has done. It’s an extreme often occurrence that I find myself wanting to shout the following three letter word:

“Why?”

“Why?” “Why?” “Why?” “Why?” “Why?”

I like explanations. I like knowing the reasonings and the why’s and the how-did-this-come-about’s.

Until I don’t get the answers I would like. Until there is nothing left but disappointment.

I am not enough to stop life from happening. I am not enough to stop the actions of others. I am not enough to control the outcome of anything. It’s a heartbreaking realization for me; me: someone who has a hard time letting go of her grip on absolutely everything at once.

There lived a 95 pound statue of marble in my body, carved meticulously out of guilt, all because I was sad over the other problems in my life too, and not just this one. This one felt like it should take more precedent; this one has more gravity; a bigger black hole that should have devoured me and the rest of my problems whole. So why wasn’t it pulling me in? Why was I still here, feeling sad over a relationship, feeling sad over graduate school, feeling sad over debt.

What I failed to realize then, and do now, is that everyone’s emotions, including my own, can extend to all parts of life. So when I am exhausted, and feel too stretched thin, as paper thin as can be, I look at my 7 arms and 5 legs, all grasping at 12 different situations that make me feel 12 very different things, that I simply just have to carry all at once.

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My favorite movie is Interstellar. It ignited a joy in learning about space and its vast concepts within me. More importantly, it taught me about Murphy’s Law.

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Murphy’s Law:

The principle that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Further variations:

1) The more you fear something, the more likely it is to occur.

2) The amount of love you feel for someone is inversely proportional to the amount of love they feel for you.

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Murphy’s Law did not know a thing about me, but I didn’t care.

Every time I wanted to shout “Why?” at life, I thought of how I always tend to focus on what went wrong, versus everything that went right. I think about how I ignored all the positive, and went straight to yelling “Why?”.

Murphy told me why. It went wrong because it could. It happened because you feared it. You loved them and now that’s all you have.

Just because it can go wrong, does not mean that should ever stop you.

Just because you want to stop and scream, does not mean you shouldn’t keep going. The cornfield is always greener on the other side.

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Movie of The Week:

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Today’s In’s & Out’s:

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Thank you for reading. Happy February.

-Ashley Gabriela